Issue 2 June 15, 2008
Powerful Requests
Make clear requests, instead of demands, whenever possible. They are more powerful in the long run. Requests give the other person a choice to join you. Demands leave no choice.
A powerful request is clear, respectful and not apologetic. It invites the other person to respond to what you are asking for. When they do respond, their participation will be far more committed than if they were forced to comply.
Demands, on the other hand, are forceful. Force generally leads to either compliance or defiance. Neither one of these responses is useful for long-term performance. So demands are best used sparingly and with caution.
Powerful requests give the other person space, choice and freedom. No one likes to be bossed around, even by their boss and almost never by their friends and family. There is almost always a price to pay for coercing someone else through a demand.
There is also a price to pay for not speaking up at all. You owe it to yourself to represent what you need in timely, clear and self-respecting ways
Jonathon is a project manager who tends to be very accommodating with his team until right before a deadline. Then he comes down hard with demands. Most of the people on his team buckle down and work harder (but not more effectively).
And one of the team members, Hugo, is openly argumentative in meetings, criticizing Jonathon behind his back. This undermines the entire team. This situation is not unusual when a manager uses demands and force instead of clear, powerful requests.
An alternative is for Jonathon to anticipate the upcoming deadline and the potential for slippage. He could then think carefully about what he wants from the team to prevent a missed deadline. This would prepare him to make a clear, powerful request.
If his request isn't reasonable, he may get more push back from Hugo. To offset this possibility, Jonathon could ask for feedback. This would set the stage for thoughtful team discussion and could also help to reign in some of Hugo's hostility.
You don't lose power or authority by making a request, you just use it more wisely.
Action steps
1. Notice how you feel when someone demands something of you or is coercive with what they want. Do you notice any resentment?
2. Look at the body language of others when you make a forceful demand. Do they look away? Do they give you a hostile or indifferent stare? Do they mumble something you can't quite hear? Do they smile in an insincere way? Do they look scared? These are not good signs.
3. Think about something you need from a person you work with. Write down what it is you want and why it is important to you. Practice saying this out loud. Look for a way to say it that is compelling but also gives that person some choice.
4. Try action step #3 with someone who is emotionally important to you.
5. Notice how you respond if the other person refuses your request or if they are non-committal. This can be the most emotionally challenging part of making a request. Pay attention to your reactions and don't let them get the best of you!
6. If your organization needs more systematic support for respectful communication in challenging situations, consider bringing Say It: Find the Words for Difficult Conversations to your group.
7. Subscribe to the CPR for Enlightened Performance newsletter.
